The Mansion is a fantasy story that happens in the world we know, in England, somewhere in the border of London. Time is a few years after World War 2. I myself think that this first chapter is a bit boring. I hope to get criticism both good and bad, and some advice as I am a newbie.
The Stories From The Mansion.
Vol. 1
THE NEW MANSION
The view was beautiful, as the sun was just rising from the east hitting the snow, making a bright, blindingly breathtaking glow. It was a strikingly nice day in January, and I was very bored. I sighed, looking at the birds flying to the south; away from the cold winter, wishing that I could have been one of them.
I adjusted my reading-spectacles and stared at the ancient, tattered book in my hands. The title of the book was, The Ventures of Napoleon Bonaparte. The book was actually very fascinating with its true stories, and shining hand painted picture of Napoleon on the front, with engraved golden letters over it… I gazed throughout the room, letting out a great frustrated sigh. Everything was broken and torn apart; the furniture was old and awful and the ceiling looked like it would collapse any minute, it even had holes on it at some spots. It smelled rotten in the mansion. As I was cursing the world I cursed myself for buying a house from a catalogue called: A builder’s dream…
My furniture was mostly second hand and did not really match, my arm chair and couch were the only things that did.
I sat up and walked to the door that led to my closet. I opened the door and grabbed a mop, took a small bucket and some liquid soap. I manoeuvred my way through the piles of garbage in the living room and went to the door that led to my downstairs bathroom. I went in and filled my bucket with water. I could only take a small amount because of the rules of the little town. The town's water supplies were low because of the war that had just ended: this was one of the reasons why I wanted to move away from the mansion. But I didn't have the money anymore, and my new workplace was just a few hundred meters away.
The bathroom was ´very` filthy and it had only a shower, small sink and an even smaller chamberpot, which you were supposed to do your deeds in. I walked with the mop on my left hand and the bucket on my right out of the bathroom and looked at the floor and the garbage on it. I sighed and but the cleaning equipment aside.
Another time. I thought.
I walked back to my chair and sat on it. I looked at my left hand side and lifted two other books: “Who Was Alexander The Great?” and “The Reign of Julius Caesar”. Two persons who were capable of tactical thinking surrounded by a bunch of idiots, some less dumb, some more, but all still idiots. I yawned and was just about to sit on my chair again, when I heard a knock on the door. I let out a great groan, stood up and tumbled to the door. It was my new neighbour, Mrs. Whatshername.
“Hello Mrs.…” the words automatically burst out of my mouth.
“Salburgy,” She aided
“Mrs. Salburgy.” I nodded. She was a fairly round woman. Her hair was grey and she wore colourful clothes, they were truly a eyesore. She had a small round hat that had handmade pictures of flowers on it. She used an overpowering perfume that made people feel ill around her.
“Well hello to you too Jacques!” she said in a delightful tone, smiling from ear to ear.
“What gives me the privilege to meet you on this sunny day?” I asked while wearing a false smile on my face.
“Well Jacques…” she started.
“Please call me Jack,” I interrupted.
“Oh! Very well then. Last time when I came to visit you I forgot to give you this.” She picked a box out from the ´big` bag that she carried around everywhere.
“What is that?” I asked in a dull but curious tone
“Well it is a cake of course!”
“Ooh! What kind of cake could it be?” I asked quickly. My curiosity was rising.
“Well. It is a chocolate cake that has…” the rest of her words travelled to the distance and her words faded from my hearing. I could feel the drool dripping on my shirt while I looked at the box, I hoped that Mrs. Salburgy didn't notice. I hadn’t had a real meal in days. Aah! I just wanted to taste that beautiful cake even once… Now I loved the lady because she had brought that salvation to me but I hated her because she did not give it to me and leave, but just kept yapping how she made it.
After a while the lady had left and I had gotten my cake. I returned to the living room and started to open the box. As I opened it I started to smell a very delightfully chocolately smell, that went through my nose straight to my brain where it made me feel very happy and warm. I stood up and almost ran to the kitchen! I took a spoon and hippity-hopped back to the living room, my eyes half closed in excitement. I opened my eyes in greedy anticipation and stopped in my tracks. The cake was gone, leaving just an empty box. In a panic, I searched the room desperately, but no cake was found.
I sat down on the table my face in my hands and cursed the whole damn world.
Scratch!
Clob.
Munch, munch.
I shot up from the table listened. There it was again.
Munch, munch, munch
I walked towards the noise slowly but firmly.
I saw a small human-like figure on the ground eating something that I expected being the cake. My cake.
I crouched, like a lion ready to strike. I jumped.
The small figure looked up at me and let out a cry “Oh Bugger!!”
I still need some editing to be done but I still have to complete the script for the book and then I'm still working on the fourth chapter so let us see what will come of this book in the end 
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140,265 Literary Works • 673,077 Reviews
Most everything has been covered for this chapter but I did have one thing to point out that I don't think anyone else picked up.
Typically before one would mop a floor they would pick up the trash and sweep too. If you are going to have him clean then make sure he does it in the right order. You can't mop if there is stuff all over the floor.
Okay, whatever happened to the mopping of the floor? One minute he's like, I need to clean and then the next minute he is looking at books. And then he is at the door talking to his neighbor. If you're going to have him get distracted from mopping then have him clean that filthy bathroom. I kept waiting for him to mop something and when it didn't happen I wondered why you even put that part into your story.
I had a lot more to put in, but most everyone covered it already so I'll let it go.
Hey Lord Anzius! Sorry it's taken me so long to get to this, but I'm here now, so I'll get on it asap.
I have to say, I had no real problems with the piece until Ms Salburgy brings in the cake. It was some great description, and it did move rather slow, but I think that mirrors the boredom in the narrator's life...not sure if it's on purpose, but I think it works. And it wasn't too long or boring, but just enough to introduce us to the scene. Anyway...liked it. Good job!
The cake scene though...it's weird. And not in the good way. Jack is positively salivating over the cake, which in itself is really unrealistic (even if this *is* fantasy, it's weird). And then you say I hadn't eaten a real meal in days... Well, why not? It's not like he doesn't have time; he's been reading books about Napoleon. I think the section could be toned down a bit, but still letting us readers know how much he wanted it, you know? He doesn't have to be *literally* drooling.
And, the ending. It was cute! Although I'm not sure if that's what you were going for. But it actually made me giggle.
I think the biggest problem with this chapter is that it feels too rushed. I think you squeezed too much into too little words. I mean, I like the way you began, as I said above, but then the character goes all wonky over a cake (which isn't really a real meal anyway). And then there's some weird little cake-stealing creature. And I know it's fantasy, but it's still too much. I think if you stretched it out, maybe gave us more history on Jack, the cake and the creature wouldn't seem so dropped in and rapid as they did here.
Looking forward to the next bit! PM me if you have questions or whatever.
-Mars
That's pretty much just repeating what you described in the last sentence.
'Very' is a word to be avoided at all costs.
And I'd consider making it, "but I was very bored," because the first and second parts of the sentence don't otherwise relate.
"Wishing that I could be one of them." Make sure your verb tenses are consistent.
"Hand-painted." Maybe 'cover' instead of just 'front.'
It's a little wordy. I'm gonna come back to that at the end.
The catalogue should be italicized. I might also switch 'house' and 'mansion', so that it's: "It smelled rotten in the house... cursed myself for buying a mansion from a catalogue..."
You already described the furniture. These extra details are superfluous.
I sat up and walked to the door that led to my closet. I opened the door and grabbed a mop, took a small bucket and some liquid soap. I manoeuvred my way through the piles of garbage in the living room and went to the door that led to my downstairs bathroom. I went in and filled my bucket with water. I could only take a small amount because of the rules of the little town. The town's water supplies were low because of the war that had just ended: this was one of the reasons why I wanted to move away from the mansion. But I didn't have the money anymore, and my new workplace was just a few hundred meters away.
The bathroom was ´very` filthy and it had only a shower, small sink and an even smaller chamberpot, which you were supposed to do your deeds in. I walked back to my chair and sat on it. I looked at my left hand side and lifted two other books: “Who Was Alexander The Great?” and “The Reign of Julius Caesar”. Two persons who were capable of tactical thinking surrounded by a bunch of idiots, some less dumb, some more, but all still idiots. I yawned and was just about to sit on my chair again, when I heard a knock on the door. I let out a great groan, stood up and tumbled to the door. It was my new neighbour, Mrs. Whatshername.
“Hello Mrs.…” the words automatically burst out of my mouth.
“Salburgy,” She aided
“Mrs. Salburgy.” I nodded. She was a fairly round woman. Her hair was grey and she wore colourful clothes, they were truly a eyesore. She had a small round hat that had handmade pictures of flowers on it. She used an overpowering perfume that made people feel ill around her.
“Well hello to you too Jacques!” she said in a delightful tone, smiling from ear to ear.
“What gives me the privilege to meet you on this sunny day?” I asked while wearing a false smile on my face.
“Well Jacques…” she started.
“Please call me Jack,” I interrupted.
“Oh! Very well then. Last time when I came to visit you I forgot to give you this.” She picked a box out from the ´big` bag that she carried around everywhere.
“What is that?” I asked in a dull but curious tone
“Well it is a cake of course!”
“Ooh! What kind of cake could it be?” I asked quickly. My curiosity was rising.
“Well. It is a chocolate cake that has…” the rest of her words travelled to the distance and her words faded from my hearing. I could feel the drool dripping on my shirt while I looked at the box, I hoped that Mrs. Salburgy didn't notice. I hadn’t had a real meal in days. Aah! I just wanted to taste that beautiful cake even once… Now I loved the lady because she had brought that salvation to me but I hated her because she did not give it to me and leave, but just kept yapping how she made it.
After a while the lady had left and I had gotten my cake. I returned to the living room and started to open the box. As I opened it I started to smell a very delightfully chocolately smell, that went through my nose straight to my brain where it made me feel very happy and warm. I stood up and almost ran to the kitchen! I took a spoon and hippity-hopped back to the living room, my eyes half closed in excitement. I opened my eyes in greedy anticipation and stopped in my tracks. The cake was gone, leaving just an empty box. In a panic, I searched the room desperately, but no cake was found.
I sat down on the table my face in my hands and cursed the whole damn world.
Scratch!
Clob.
Munch, munch.
I shot up from the table listened. There it was again.
Munch, munch, munch
I walked towards the noise slowly but firmly.
I saw a small human-like figure on the ground eating something that I expected being the cake. My cake.
I crouched, like a lion ready to strike. I jumped.
The small figure looked up at me and let out a cry “Oh Bugger!!”
I still need some editing to be done but I still have to complete the script for the book and then I'm still working on the fourth chapter so let us see what will come of this book in the end
Quote:
The view was very beautiful, as the sun was just rising from the east hitting the snow, making a bright, blindingly beautiful glow. It was a strikingly beautiful day in January,
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. I would suggest you find another word, for variety.
Also, I would omit 'very' from the first sentence. It actually weakens the sentence.
Quote:
The title of the book was: The Ventures of Napoleon Bonaparte.
You don't need the colon.
Quote:
...front, with engraved golden letters over it…
I would change this to read "and engraved gold letters." It's more to the point and has more impact.
Quote:
it had holes it even had holes in it at some spots.
I'm reading double 0.0
Quote:
It smelled like fish guts int he mansion. As I was cursing the world I cursed myself for buying a house from a catalogue called: A builder’s dream…
'in the'. Again, you don't need the colon.
Quote:
My furniture was mostly second hand and did not really match, my arm chair and couch were the only things that did.
The second part of this sentence is rather weak. I suggest you rearrange it to something like this- excluding the arm chair and couch.
The 'all the cleaning equipment was kept there.' isn't needed. It's not vital information, and closets often hold this kind of equipment. The fact he pulls a mop out of it is enough.
You don't have to emphasize 'very'. And also, it would be called a bathroom, considering it has no toilet. Also, you go in a pot, or even better, a chamberpot, not a cup.
If it were a cup, and you needed to pee, can you imagine the mess?
'the door' is used twice within two words of each other. Rearrange for variety.
Comma after 'neighbour', remove 'there' and 'great'. It flows better without them.
The use of 'blindingly' reminds me too much of the start.
'delightful' is used twice, try re-wording.
No emphasis is needed here.
Huh? Read that. You see the problem?
I suggest you rephrase this, as it is clumsy and not very effective. 'her words faded from my hearing' perhaps?
You don't need an exclamation mark here.
I don't like 'hippity hopped'. It's too peter rabbit for my taste.
Well, your flow isn't great here. I suggest you read your piece through, and add commas where you naturally want to pause, and full stops at the end of an idea.
So I would re-write it as this-
I took a spoon and rushed back to the living room, my eyes half closed it excitement. I opened my eyes in greedy anticipation and stopped in my tracks. The cake was gone, leaving just an empty box. In a panic, I searched the room desperately, but no cake was found.
I shot up from the table and listened. There it was again.
I don't think you can walk firmly. Firmly describing a pressure, and this just doesn't fit. Try another word.
Okay, here's the thing- don't use exclamation marks outside of dialogue. Otherwise a prefectly good sentence becomes over-emphasized, and therefore becomes rather cheezy.
I saw a small, human-like figure on the ground, busily eating what I expected was cake. My cake.
Okay, I'm a firm believer in Terry Pratchett's theory that multiple exclamation marks is a sign of insanity. Not saying you're insane, but it makes your character give off that vibe to me.
Also, if he had already jumped, he wouldn't have time to speak before being landed on.
Overall, this was alright. I wasn't completely drawn in, afterall, it's just about a guy who lost his cake. Not exactly epic, wouldn't you agree?
The main character could use some work. What does he look like? What's his attitude on life? All I know is he's bad at buying homes, is messy, impatient with elderly women, and loves cake. I would like to know more about him.
Please, enough with the exclamation marks. They aren't neccesary.
Once you have fixed these points up, and the ones mentioned by the others, you may have an alright beginning.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me, I'm happy to help.
-Nutty
Hey there Lord Anzius! Here as requested. I am one of the harsher reviewers on this site, so don't be offended by my comments.
A few points:
-Take out the 'very' before the first 'beautiful' in the first sentence. You don't need it and it's redundant because 'beautiful' is already a superlative.
-'Blindingly' adds alliteration and makes it sound poetic to the point of ludicrousness. It's over-doing it a bit, don't you think?
-I like the allusion to the birds. It's a bit overdone but it works here.
-Take out the whole 'It was a strikingly beautiful day in January, and I was very bored.' This just slows it down.
Opening sentences are probably the trickiest - for me, a least. An opening sentence needs something to fire the imagination of reader. Make the reader want to know what happens next - something that pulls them into the story. Makes them ask questions - who is this, what's happening, what's going to happen?
You're not really looking for scene setting or establishing character - that comes later. Dramatic openings should try and put you right in the middle of things. Saying that the main character was bored is the most fatal mistake you can make.
One of the best opening sentences I know is from George Orwell's book '1984':"it was a bright cold day in April and the clocks were striking 13."
There's a great balance to that sentence - the first half seems ordinary and reassuring and then, bang, he hits you with the twist.
It should be, 'reading spectacles.' Abbreviating spectacles to specs makes it seem to colloquial for this style. And you don't need a hyphon.
Also, I think that you should change, 'old, much used.' It doesn't really flow. I'd change it to, 'the ancient, tattered book in my hands.' Because then, instead of telling the reader it's much used, you're showing them, by saying it's tattered.
Get rid of that whole quote. If the detail isn't going to advance the story, you shouldn't have it in. It just seems like useless rambling.
You have some good ideas here, but they need to be rephrased. There's some grammar mistakes and the sentence structure's wrong. I've edited it for you. I've taken out the last part; t'was insignificant. Note my use of semi-colons and the way I broke up the sentence:
'I gazed throughout the room, letting out a great frustrated sigh. Everything was broken and torn apart; the furniture was old and awful and the ceiling looked like it would collapse any minute.'
You have apostrophes for some reason, before the word it. The first sentence is messed up. I'm not sure why you are using the simile of 'fish guts', it seems completely out of context. One minute your writing style is all sophisticated and then you revert to 'fish guts'.
Replace the comma with a semi-colon.
You don't need so much detail of all his actions. Cut this down a bit.
Comma after 'dumb'.
Comma after neighbour.
You asked in a quickly? I think you're missing a word here. Maybe you meant, "I asked quickly."
I'm going to be honest with you. This whole dialogue sounded completely immature, and the onomatopaeia made it sound like something an eight-year-old could write. You're a good writer, so why did it suddenly go downhill in the last part? You can obviously do better, I know you can!
OVERALL
Characterisation : You seem to have problems with this. None of your characters personality is coming across. All we really know about him is that he reads long books, and that he likes cake. Hardly a way to start. You need to find a way to manouevre characterisation into the piece. Show how exactly he interacts with other characters. Is he nervous? confident? somewhere in the middle?
I know it's the first chapter, but it's here that it's essential you bring across your character to the reader, because otherwise they will have nobody to empathize with but a 2D protagonist, and will put the book down.
Show, Don't Tell. : You have these massive info dumps that don't mean anything. That whole cake scenario was meaningless, as was the cleaning thing. Neither of these advanced the story.
How to show instead of telling:
1. Use Dialogue. Dialogue allows the reader to experience a scene as if they were there.\
2. Use sensory language. In order for readers to fully experience what you’re writing about, they need to be able to see, hear, taste, smell and touch the world around them. Try to use language that incorporates several senses, not just sight.
3. Be Descriptive.
4. Be Specific, not Vague.
I'm sorry for the harsh review, Anzius. I really enjoyed this and I like your writing style. It's refreshing and original. You just need to develop your character and figure out where this story is going.
I'll critique the other chapter in a bit; that is if you can bear to face Sarah's Slaughtering again.
Good luck.
Sarah
x
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. I would suggest you find another word, for variety.
Also, I would omit 'very' from the first sentence. It actually weakens the sentence.
You don't need the colon.
I would change this to read "and engraved gold letters." It's more to the point and has more impact.
I'm reading double 0.0
'in the'. Again, you don't need the colon.
The second part of this sentence is rather weak. I suggest you rearrange it to something like this- excluding the arm chair and couch.
THE NEW MANSION
The title of the book was: The Ventures of Napoleon Bonaparte. The book was actually very fascinating with its true stories, and shining hand painted picture of Napoleon on the front, with engraved golden letters over it… Gazing throughout the room and No need for and here I let out a great frustrated sigh; everything was broken and torn apart, the furniture was old and awful, the ceiling looked like it would collapse any minute, it had holes it even had holes in it at some spots.I'm a tad confused at that sentence. It smelled like fish guts in the mansion. As I was cursing the world I cursed myself for buying a house from a catalogue called: A builder’s dream…I found that line hilarious, but would you buy a house from a catalogue in the 1940's?
I walked back to my chair and sat on it. I looked at my left hand side and lifted two other books: “Who Was Alexander The Great?” and “The Reign of Julius Caesar”. Two persons who were capable of tactical thinking surrounded by a bunch of idiots, some less dumb some more, but all still idiots. I am really fond of that sentence, the thought of a genius amongst lesser minds 
I yawned and was just about to sit on my chair again, He stands up a lot doesn't he? 
when I heard a knock on the door. I let out a great groan, stood up and tumbled to the door. At the door there was my new neighbour Mrs. Whatshername.
she said in a delightful tone, smiling from ear to ear.
The view was very beautiful, as the sun was just rising from the east hitting the snow, making a bright, blindingly beautiful glow. That's a good first sentence, but I'd avoid repeating beautiful. It was a strikingly beautiful Avoid beautiful again day in January, and I was very bored. I sighed, looking at the birds flying to the south; away from the cold winter, wishing that I could have been one of them. I like that bit about the birds, it's good
I adjusted my reading-specs and stared at the old, much used book in my hands. Hahah I love this sentence
My furniture was mostly second hand and did not really match, my arm chair and couch were the only things that did. I like that line
I sat up and walked to the door that led to my closet. All the cleaning equipment was kept there. I opened the door and grabbed a mop, took a small bucket and some liquid soap. I manoeuvred my way through the piles of garbage in the living room and went to the door that led to my downstairs bathroom. I went in and filled my bucket with water. I could only take a small amount because of the rules of the little town. The town's water supplies were low because of the war that had just ended: this was one of the reasons why I wanted to move away from the mansion. But I didn't have the money anymore, and my new workplace was just a few hundred meters away.:)
The toilet was ´very` filthy and it had only a shower, small sink and an even smaller cup, which you were supposed to do your deeds in. Again I found this sentence hilarious
“Hello Mrs.…” the words automatically burst out of my mouth.
“Salburgy,” She aided
“Mrs. Salburgy.” I nodded. She was a fairly round woman. Her hair was grey and she wore blindingly colourful clothes. She had a small round hat that had handmade pictures of flowers on it. She used an overpowering perfume that made people feel ill around her. I love this bit
“Well hello to you too Jacques!” I adore that name, Jacques
“What gives me this delightful privilege to meet you on this sunny day?” I asked while wearing a false smile on my face. Hahah I can just imagine this
“Well Jacques…” she started.
“Please call me Jack,” I interrupted.
“Oh! Very well then. Last time when I came to visit you I forgot to give you this.” She picked a box out from the ´big` bag that she carried around everywhere.
“What is that?” I asked in a dull but curious tone
“Well it is a cake of course!”
“Ooh! What kind of cake could it be?” I asked in a quickly.This is a bit muddled here. My curiosity was rising.
“Well. It is a chocolate cake that has…” the rest of her words travelled to the distance and were quiet from my ears. I could feel the drool dripping on my shirt while I looked at the box, I hoped that Mrs. Salburgy didn't notice. I hadn’t had a real meal in days. Aah! I just wanted to taste that beautiful cake even once… Now I loved the lady because she had brought that salvation to me but I hated her because she did not give it to me and leave, but just kept yapping how she made it.
After a while the lady had left and I had gotten my cake, I returned to the living room and started to open the box. As I opened it I started to smell a very delightfully chocolately smell that went through my nose straight to my brain where it made me feel very happy and warm. I stood up and almost ran to the kitchen! No need for exclamation mark here I took a spoon and hippity-hopped back to the living room my eyes half closed in excitement, but when I opened my eyes I saw no cake on the table just the empty box. I looked around and stumbled across the whole living room! I found nothing. I sat down on the table my face in my hands and cursed the whole damn world.
Scratch!
Clob.
Munch, munch.
I shot up from the table listened and there it was again!
Munch, munch, munch
I walked towards the noise slowly but firmly.
I saw a small human-like figure on the ground eating something that I expected being the cake. My cake!
I crouched, like a lion ready to strike. I jumped.
The small figure looked up at me and let out a cry “Oh Bugger!!”
I still need some editing to be done but I still have to complete the script for the book and then I'm still working on the fourth chapter so let us see what will come of this book in the end
As you've said it needs some editing but overall I liked it. Some of your description is great and some of the lines are hilarious (in a good way of course!) Keep working on it, pm me or just write in the thread thing that I created when you want me to review something else
-Kirsten x
Hello there, Lord Anzius.
I’ll do what I can to critique this to a good standard, but I can’t promise to critique other chapters, between university, work, and NaNo, I’m a little bit strapped for time.
Well. Okay. I don’t like this right now, at all. There’s a lot of work you need to do to bring this up to standard. There’s a lamely comical element to the whole thing, the “hippity hop” and the way he describes the chocolate smell making him very happy. It all feels very unreal, unbelievable.
I realise what I’m saying – and what I have said, seems really harsh. But you asked for my critique and I really want to help you with this. The tone of your character changes, and there’s little personality there. He’s obviously a selfish, self-important man, but that’s little to go on. You don’t explain why she has the cake or how long it took for the woman gives it to him. You revert to saying “the lady” instead of her name, and you don’t give us any real emotions. There are a lot of statements that completely steal away all of your flow.
I’d suggest putting those last sounds of the child – I assume it’s a child- in italics, as well as your emphasis on words. I’m surprised the child stayed and didn’t try to bolt at all, which would have been sensible and expected. I assume you’ll explain that entire bit later, though.
As you can see, I’ve got a lot of issues with what you have, and I think you can make it better. You need some more imagery, and expansion in the story itself, show us what’s happening, instead of describing it.
Any questions, Pm me. ^^
*hearts* Le Penguin.
i think all of your critques above have pointed out some editing you need to do, but all in all I thought the first chapter to be interesting and very descriptive which is awesome. I really like your style of writing and i love how you ended it with almost a cliffhanger. I cant wait to read more please p.m. me when you have the next chapter up!
Thanks I'll get editing.
Hey Anzius, Stella here, as requested!
I. NITPICKS
Read this sentence to yourself, and you'll see that your clauses don't quite fit together. Play with it a bit.
comma after sighed
Capitalize your v.
The book was actually very fascinating with its true stories and shining hand painted picture of Napoleon on the front with carved golden letters… [carved golden letters over it, maybe?]
was kept there.
The town's... does he mean he still wants to move away? It's a little unclear.
very filthy, maybe?
questions are followed by a question mark!
Punctuated slightly wrongly.
Two persons who were capable of tactical thinking surrounded by a bunch of idiots, some less dumb, some more, but all still idiots.
Even though it's not a name, it's still kinda a name. Mrs. Whatshername, therefore.
full stop at the end.
"Salburgy," she aided.
"Mrs. Salburgy." I nodded. - if the nodding is a different action from the saying, or
"Mrs. Salburgy," I nodded. -if the nodding is how he's saying it.
no capital s on she. And ear to ear, maybe...
“Well Jacques…” she started.
“Please call me Jack,” I interrupted.
Don't they sound kind of similar though? It's only really the j that sounds different... ah well, I guess he could prefer one to the other.
In a quickly?
dripping. And ewww!
chocolately
hippety, I think. Don't take my word on it, though.
crouched, right?
II. SPEECH, SPEECH, SPEECH
I tell a lot of people this, so I hope that you take what I tell you to heart.
"My cat just ate my shoes." Said Di, looking a little sad.
Is not right.
"My cat just ate my shoes." said Di, looking a little sad.
Is still not right.
"My cat just ate my shoes," said Di, looking a little sad.
Hooray! That's right.
"said Di," "he said," "she mumbled," "he asked looking hopeful," anything like that is called a speech tag. And a speech tag isn't a new sentence, it's just a continuation of the old one. So no full stops and no capital letters (unless it's a name, of course)! Question marks, exclamation marks and ellipses are all fine, but whenever there's a full stop followed by a speech tag, that full stop turns into a comma. Understand or no?
III. PROOFREAD!
There are some silly little mistakes lying around that you could easily get rid of if you just make sure you proofread your work carefully. Makes life a whoooole lot easier for your reviewer...
IV. CLEAR IT UP
I was a little confused through it, why did he buy the mansion, but now he wants away from it? You need to make things a little clearer in that sense, else your reader is a bit like "...what?"
V. OVERALL
As this is just a beginning, it's not too important to go into depth over the actual story. This was really cute actually, your main character seemed sweet. I enjoyed it, and as I say, seeing as it's Chapter 1, plot development and characterization aren't too important yet...
Hope I've helped, and PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella.
Hey Anzius, Stella here, as requested!
I. NITPICKS
Break it up. The view was beautiful, with the sun just rising from the east and as it hit the snow it gave off a bright, blindingly beautiful glow. Something like that.
comma after sighed.
Capitalize Ventures
The book was actually very fascinating with its true stories, and shining hand painted picture of Napoleon on the front, with carved golden letters… Gazing throughout the room and I let out a great frustrated sigh; everything was broken and torn apart, the furniture was old and awful, the ceiling looked like it would collapse any minute and it smelled like fish guts. As I was cursing the world I cursed myself for buying a house from a catalogue called: A builder’s dream…
I sat up and walked to the door that led to my closet. All my cleaning equipment were kept there. I opened the door and grabbed a mop, took a small bucket and some liquid soap. I manoeuvred my way through the piles of garbage and went to the door that led to my bathroom. I went in and filled my bucket with water. I could only take a small amount because of the rules of the little town. The towns water supplies were low because of the war that had just ended: this was one of the reasons why I wanted to move away from the mansion.
The toilet was ´very` filthy and it had only a shower, small sink and an even smaller cup, which you were supposed to do your deeds in. I walked back to my chair and sat on it. I looked at my left hand side and lifted two other books: “Who Was Alexander The Great” and “The Reign of Julius Caesar”. Two persons, who were capable of tactical thinking surrounded by a bunch of idiots, some less dumb some more, but all still idiots. I yawned and was just about to sit on my chair again, when I heard a knock on the door. I let out a great groan, stood up and tumbled to the door. At the door there was my new neighbour Mrs. whatshername.
“Hello Mrs.…” the words automatically burst out of my mouth
“Salburgy.” She aided
“Mrs. Salburgy” I nodded. She was a fairly round woman. Her hair was grey and she wore blindingly colourful clothes. She had a small round hat that had hand made pictures of flowers on it. She used a overpowering perfume that made people feel noxious around here.
“Well hello to you too Jacques!” She said in a delightful tone, smiling from chin to chin.
“What gives me this delightful privilege to meet you on this sunny day?” I said while wearing a false smile on my face.
“Well Jacques…” she started
“Please call me Jack.” I interrupted
“Oh! Very well then. Last time when I came to visit you I forgot to give you this.” She picked a box out from her ´big` bag that she carried around everywhere.
“What is that?” I asked in a dull but curious tone
“Well it is a cake of course!”
“Ooh! What kind of cake could it be?” I asked in a quickly
“Well. It is a chocolate cake that has…” the rest of her words travelled to the distance and were quiet from my ears. I could feel the drool tripping on my shirt while I looked at the box. I hadn’t had a real meal in days. Aah! I just wanted to taste that beautiful cake even once… Now I loved the lady because she had brought that salvation to me but I hated her because she did not give it to me and leave, but just kept yapping how she made it.
After a while the lady had left and I had gotten my cake, I returned to the living room and started to open the box. As I opened it I started to smell a very delightfully chocolaty smell that went through my nose straight to my brain where it made me feel very happy and warm. I stood up and almost ran to the kitchen! I took a spoon and hipity-hopped back to the living room my eyes half closed in excitement, but when I opened my eyes I saw no cake on the table just the empty box. I looked around and stumbled across the whole living room! I found nothing. I sat down on the table my face in my hands and cursed the whole damn world.
Scratch!
Clob.
Munch, munch.
I shot up from the table listened and there it was again!
Munch, munch, munch
I walked towards the noise slowly but firmly.
I saw a small human-like figure on the ground eating something that I expected being the cake.
I grouched. I jumped.
The small figure looked at me and let out a cry “Oh Bugger!!”
I still need some editing to be done but I still have to complete the script for the book and then I'm still working on the fourth chapter so let us see what will come of this book in the end
i thought that was great! i loved how you described the setting, it really made me feel like it was there, but i thought you could have told us more about thain character though, i didnt know if it was a boy or girl at first, and i think more explanation of what was happening could have been better, and how old the main character was aswell
it was really good, i loved it!
Hipty hopping is the same as skipping but in a more child like manner. =P
For me the use of 'as' in the first paragraph is too much and maybe you should try and use separate sentences or find another way. Also the word 'blindingly' and any other adverbs are seen as unnecessary.
Although I did like the story another thing that stopped me when reading it was “Ooh! What kind of cake could it be?” This to me doesn't sound as realistic as it could be. I mean it sounds as if the character is talking to the reader rather than the other character, maybe get rid of the word 'could' and put in 'is it?'
Finally I found it weird the way the character 'hipty hopped'. I don't understand what this means, how does somebody do this?
I did enjoy reading it though and good luck with the rest. Hope any of my things help.
I edited it now
Ok. I'll change a few things in the story. Thx for the crit guys.
But I must say that the main character is a boy, and the human like figure will be described in the second chapter.
I love the first chapter. The only thing that I would change, is how did the human like creature look? Except for the human likeness of it.
Change it in : " I looked through the dusty glass of the window. The view was beautifull, as the sun was just rising from the east, spreading that warmless light, hitting the snow and making it a bright and blinding glow. I sighed at the birds flying to the south; away from this cold winter. I wished that I could have been one of them. "
The part when you say that everything was thorn apart - describe the items that were there.
In the dialogue - As she enters the room describe her in the eyes of the main character. What she was wearing? How was she? What colour of her hair was?
As bisquit pointed out - The " I " - don't use it to much.
[b]One thing to point out and i`ll leave ya in peace. The dialogue is kinda empty. As a writer you must give the reader the opportunity to be there in the actual room. Describe smells, a car passing by, Mrs Salburgy reactions and so ... you get the point. It`s more of a ... book... if you do so.
Overall it is a great idea and a nice starting place for it. Chapter 2 coming up!
THX I'm alredy working on the fourth chapter, I'll post them soon
Firstly, i think that it is actually very difficult to write in 1st person because of the constant use of 'I'. i praise the fact that, in most circumstances. you have avoided using it TOO much.
A few pointers.
Firstly...Curious is spelt as curious. THere were a few times when this error occured. Also, in the section where it says...
'“What is that?” I asked in a dull but curios tone
“Well it is a cake of course!”
“Ooh! What kind of cake could it be?” I asked in a quickly curios tone '
try to aviod using the words curious and tone together in more than one circumstance. it might be an idea to check the thesaurus or something.
Your opening section is very powerful, with a vivid description of the setting. to create further effect you COULD do this with it...
'The view was beautiful; the sun was just rising from the east, and as it hit the snow, the beams of light made a dazzling and beautiful glow. I sighed looking at the birds flying to the south, away from the cold winter. I wished that could have been one of them. '
maybe even change the word glow to avoid the slightly unnecessary or accidental rhyming with snow.
i hope these points helped
keep up the good work as this has the potential to be magnificent.